update

i'm feeling stressed today.

i'm not exactly sure why, although there are a likely number of factors. i'm not eating enough (or really properly), not sleeping enough, feeling like i'm behind with schoolwork, and stressing about this obligation i'm putting on myself to communicate regularly with people back home.

i should explain - people back home are not demanding that i speak with them daily, and i genuinely want to talk to them anyway. in fact, not talking to them a lot also causes anxiety. but i've created this mandatory task in my brain that's stressing me out, and also severely affecting my ability to get work done, simply because of the time difference and the way that reasonable hours for communication on both ends happen to fall (i.e. during my evening hours, when i also need to be doing homework, prepping food, and getting ready for the next full day of classes).

school is amazing. it's challenging, and inspiring, and frustrating, and fascinating, and worthwhile, every single day. i'm literally learning something new every day.

i'm struggling to find a rhythm, however. the things that i love and need in my life to make things easier, both on my anxious brain and on my body, like yoga and knitting and eating healthy, are incredibly difficult to fit into my schedule. i teach yoga monday-thursday to classmates at 8am, which means most days i'm up at 6, at campus by 7:45, and there until at least 5 (usually later than that). then i have about 45 minutes in transit to get home, followed by needing to make food, get back in touch with partners and friends, shower to save time in the mornings, and also somehow get ready for the following day. friday is a bit of a break, starting at 10 and also usually ending at 5. weekends involve getting groceries, and shopping still for household items that i don't have time to get during the week, and trying to catch up on homework and reading, and also relaxing. sundays are my rest day, and involve being out of the house for 6 hours, grabbing two yoga classes and reading in between. that's my "me" time.

i miss having time to knit, and read what i want to, and watch random tv and movies to let my brain untangle, and cook complete meals instead of oatmeal or cold leftovers, and talk to people, and still sleep for a decent amount of time.

i realize that a lot (most) of my anxiety is thanks to my own brain. and i'm genuinely happy about what i'm doing, and living in london, and all the stuff crammed into my crazy schedule. i also realize that easing my anxiety will, for the most part, involve finding that rhythm, and that it is still early days. i don't want people to worry about me, because i'm doing well generally. i'm stressed (which my skin is blatantly pointing out to me), and that stress will change many times every day. but i am spending most of my days with my coping mechanisms, yoga and theatre. so things will be fine. and are fine, in most ways. today is just hard. it's okay though. i'll sleep, and go to school, and learn more things, and take the afternoon that we have off to go with a friend to my favourite cafe in camden and read.

i miss you all, and i think that ache is just a bit sharper this evening. but i'll see you soon.

on an exciting side note, i've started planning my sip (sustained independent project) for next summer. it will involve alice in wonderland, in some way or other. i'll keep you updated.

first week see-saw

i haven’t written for the week. sorry about that, folks. time gets away from me sometimes. it’s been a turbulent week, with a lot of stress, a lot of magnificent moments, and finishing with some terrible news.

my weekend started off as very busy and social and has become more of a reflective exercise, for which i think i am better. i found out yesterday that my nanny passed away. it was a surreal moment, crying in the grocery store while also feeling my body slowly gain composure (re: shut down into shock mode so i could still function in a very public space). i’m comforted in knowing that she went quickly, which is something she would have wanted, and that she lived as long as she did. i wish i could be home to offer support to my family, especially to mum, but i’ve been told to stay here.  mum’s excited about my program, so that’s what i’ll focus on in the coming days. theatre has always been my coping mechanism anyway.

i decided to skip a knitting convention, which may not sound like me, but the entry fee of £14, plus the knowledge that i’d spend way too much money once i was inside, kept me from attending. retail therapy is great and all, but you still have to stay within a budget. i also missed a film screening my friend put on at her place, but given that i was in bed yesterday around the time she had scheduled the film, that’s probably a good thing. i got a huge amount of groceries yesterday, including my baking supplies, so i think i’ll bake cupcakes this morning.

this afternoon i’m going to check out indaba yoga studio. i lucked out big time with it – one bus ride away, along the same route that i take to school, with over 70 classes each week, student discounts, plenty of classes that i can comfortably get to after school, and most importantly, acro yoga classes on sunday afternoons. there are a number of days where i’m looking at back-to-back classes. i can’t even explain the warmth and peace i feel looking at my yoga schedule. it eases my anxious brain.

right then, first week of classes. it was a crazy week, in both good and bad ways. i learned a lot about myself as an artist and collaborator within a very short amount of time. our main assignment this week was to come up with a one-minute introduction to ourselves as creative professionals, working within small groups of 5-6, and then all coordinating a performance of everyone’s pieces on thursday afternoon. i should mention that there were about 50 people performing, as we had our class as well as the master’s creative producing. to put it bluntly, it was a shit show. i learned that i definitely need to work with collaborators who i share more in common with than just a single project, and i need people who are more artsy and organic, even within the business side of things. also, i will never work with a group of more than about half a dozen, unless forced to or for a special project. it is far too stressful trying to organize large groups of people without a hierarchical structure in place, and given that i have no desire to work in a hierarchy, it’s better that i work in small, manageable groups.

our friday classes are a separate unit entirely, and i’m quite excited for them. basically, we’re learning the ins and outs of how to run a successful theatre company, from an alumnus of the program who spent a number of years making those basic mistakes that you always make while starting out. she wanted to help future ma-atp students avoid as many of those mistakes as possible. i like her a lot. she’s spunky and no-nonsense, and also ocd in a way that i totally understand and appreciate ha.

oh yeah, i’m officially in the performance practices cluster, which means that i’ll be doing movement classes from 9-1 monday through thursday. i’m stupidly excited to get started. i’m also leading yoga classes in the morning on those days, starting at 8, so i’ll be having some very long days. it’s fabulous though, because it gives me a chance to work on my teaching while starting off my day with yoga, which is always wonderful. and then i can head to indaba after class haha. i’ll be all set to get my training when i head back to halifax. delicious.

photos from a workshop we did with an alumnus of the master’s scenography course, working with body distortions.

oh, i also joined a queer knitting club. it’s once a month in a terribly cute pub, which serves locally-sourced burgers in bags and has this shtick of chips in a bag which you season and shake yourself. 

catch-up london style, #7

i hopped across the pond just over a week ago, and finally have the interwebs at home again. meet the catch-up post, dated for your (my) convenience.

le 8 octobre 2012

today was the first official day of classes, and we did learn a bit more about what we’ll be doing over the coming year. it’s all still a bit muddy though, as we won’t get our first term timetables until we decide which cluster – performance, dramaturgy, or scenography – we want to join, and the explanation of each of those happens on wednesday (coincidentally, the same day that we finally get our internet installed). i almost didn’t make it to school, i was so tired from battling the flu yesterday. the walk to the bus (about 15 minutes) took way more energy than usual, and the crowded bus played havoc with my stomach. i made it early despite that though, and even managed to find the queer section of the library before class started.

we finally met everyone in the course, as well as our main professor, and played some basic intro games before the master’s creative producing came in to join us. our first assignment is to create a 1-minute snapshot of ourselves, presenting it in whatever creative form we choose. i’ll probably do some sort of dance/movement piece, although i’ve not really narrowed anything down yet. we’re working with small groups of people from both classes just to have outside eyes, and everything’s presented on thursday. not much time for that, but it is a one-year master’s program.

we split for lunch and a few of us (the fish and chips crew, actually) headed over to the hampstead theatre because the entire school seems to take lunch at the same time. whomever thought it would be a good idea to put 850 students on lunch simultaneously clearly had some sick sense of humour. after lunch, all the postgrads filed into the main theatre for a welcome session, then we broke into groups to do an activity created by a theatre company that actually resulted from last year’s m-atp group (m-atp being my course, master’s in advanced theatre practice).

things you learn when working with a group of strangers: you will love some people, take a liking to others, ignore some, and want to punch a (hopefully) select few. we had far too many strong personalities for such a time-constrained project, which was to take data we’d collected and present it in a theatrical way. when you have an hour to do everything, you really do have to listen to one other, get sorted quickly, and just run a simple plan. anything too complex is unrealistic and unfair to a degree, and constantly going five steps back in the decision-making process will just make people annoyed. also, recognize when you’re not sharing the air. i’m definitely guilty of this on a lot of occasions, although i try to reign it in, but if you’re totally unaware of when you’re overtaking a group that is still vetoing your idea, maybe you should become a bit more aware. yeesh. anyway, we eventually got things sorted, and the final presentation was good enough.

afterwards, we were treated to free drinks and snacks, which our class quickly commandeered. whoops. we’re resourceful, you could say? then i went with my flatmate and a classmate to waitrose for groceries, got home, put on the wash, and finally cooked myself a proper supper for the first time since getting here. shocking, i know.

things that aren’t necessarily tons of fun to discover:

            -your washer doesn’t spin things very well, leaving you with laundry that is almost, but not quite, wet enough to squeeze out, and in typical uk fashion, you don’t have a tumble dryer

            -the burner gets hot really fast and you can bet that the oil you’re cooking your portobello burger in will spurt up into the air, and potentially onto your arm.

it’s almost 10pm, so i think i’ll read a bit and then head to bed. another full day tomorrow!

oh, also, my friend here introduced me via le facebook to a queer knitwear designer who also runs a knitting club. and i found an acro yoga class that is on sunday afternoons, run out of a proper studio with student discounts, and is on the same bus route that i take to school. yay!

pulling in every direction

i'm feeling overwhelmed right now, due to a combination of factors, including the fact that i pulled an all-nighter to finish the mohawk hat for my friend (it looks great...pictures to follow soon). i leave for the uk in little more than three days now, and am feeling the crush of leaving lovers and loved ones behind. that anxiety is being coupled with a feeling of being...attacked? misinterpreted? both?...by people who i thought were friends. it sucks when you try to help out your community and get blacklisted by members of that same community. i suppose it's the norm when you're an activist, but it still sucks big time.

luckily, i have wonderful people close around me who are helping me feel a bit better about the whole thing, and who keep reassuring me that i'm not a terrible person blundering around on sensitive issues. ah life. leaving for new lands will be great and terrible at the same time. my heartstrings are being pulled in many directions, resulting in a straining ache. cuddles, tea, yoga inversions, and dark chocolate are the solution. and knitting, of course. always knitting for those fidgety fingers.

summer nights & their adventures

things that happened last night...
...cuddling on a blanket watching outdoor theatre involving singing, drag, and a certain white rabbit.
...drinking along a park path.
...watching the stars, meteors, and galaxy from the beach.
...bakasana on the rocks.
...kissing on the rocks.
...midnight garden barbeques.
...a funny cab driver.
...slugs.
...a lot of moaning.
...singing songs and reciting poetry.
...deep conversations.

being unemployed during the summer is lovely, i'm forced to admit.

more planning

i'm making another eye pillow, this time for my best friend back in the prairies. she and i have been best friends since high school, and have supported each other through too many situations to count. she's also one of the few people i stay in regular contact with despite the distance and time since we've lived in the same city. some of our mutual loves include tea, yoga, books, and holistic healing. anytime one of us is dealing with life stuff, we talk to one another and the temporary solution is always 'do some yoga, read a good book (often 'cunt' by inga muscio), and drink herbal tea.' here's my brainstorming for her eye pillow embroidery design:

i haven't decided whether to fill in the teacup yet or not, but the colour scheme will definitely be in the warmer tones.