update

i'm feeling stressed today.

i'm not exactly sure why, although there are a likely number of factors. i'm not eating enough (or really properly), not sleeping enough, feeling like i'm behind with schoolwork, and stressing about this obligation i'm putting on myself to communicate regularly with people back home.

i should explain - people back home are not demanding that i speak with them daily, and i genuinely want to talk to them anyway. in fact, not talking to them a lot also causes anxiety. but i've created this mandatory task in my brain that's stressing me out, and also severely affecting my ability to get work done, simply because of the time difference and the way that reasonable hours for communication on both ends happen to fall (i.e. during my evening hours, when i also need to be doing homework, prepping food, and getting ready for the next full day of classes).

school is amazing. it's challenging, and inspiring, and frustrating, and fascinating, and worthwhile, every single day. i'm literally learning something new every day.

i'm struggling to find a rhythm, however. the things that i love and need in my life to make things easier, both on my anxious brain and on my body, like yoga and knitting and eating healthy, are incredibly difficult to fit into my schedule. i teach yoga monday-thursday to classmates at 8am, which means most days i'm up at 6, at campus by 7:45, and there until at least 5 (usually later than that). then i have about 45 minutes in transit to get home, followed by needing to make food, get back in touch with partners and friends, shower to save time in the mornings, and also somehow get ready for the following day. friday is a bit of a break, starting at 10 and also usually ending at 5. weekends involve getting groceries, and shopping still for household items that i don't have time to get during the week, and trying to catch up on homework and reading, and also relaxing. sundays are my rest day, and involve being out of the house for 6 hours, grabbing two yoga classes and reading in between. that's my "me" time.

i miss having time to knit, and read what i want to, and watch random tv and movies to let my brain untangle, and cook complete meals instead of oatmeal or cold leftovers, and talk to people, and still sleep for a decent amount of time.

i realize that a lot (most) of my anxiety is thanks to my own brain. and i'm genuinely happy about what i'm doing, and living in london, and all the stuff crammed into my crazy schedule. i also realize that easing my anxiety will, for the most part, involve finding that rhythm, and that it is still early days. i don't want people to worry about me, because i'm doing well generally. i'm stressed (which my skin is blatantly pointing out to me), and that stress will change many times every day. but i am spending most of my days with my coping mechanisms, yoga and theatre. so things will be fine. and are fine, in most ways. today is just hard. it's okay though. i'll sleep, and go to school, and learn more things, and take the afternoon that we have off to go with a friend to my favourite cafe in camden and read.

i miss you all, and i think that ache is just a bit sharper this evening. but i'll see you soon.

on an exciting side note, i've started planning my sip (sustained independent project) for next summer. it will involve alice in wonderland, in some way or other. i'll keep you updated.