fact of life

long-distance relationships suck. and require a lot more negotiation than other relationships generally. you have to commit to those phone/skype/viber/whatever calls like you would to an actual physical date, because as far as you're concerned, those are your actual dates. there's a lot more to be said on the subject, but it's probably best to not go into it (re: dwell, stew, fester). so i'll leave it at this: it sucks, and is hard on all ends, and requires everyone putting in relatively equal effort (with exceptions, obviously, but those exceptions should not become the norm). otherwise, you may as well just cut it short and start the healing process earlier.

update

i'm feeling stressed today.

i'm not exactly sure why, although there are a likely number of factors. i'm not eating enough (or really properly), not sleeping enough, feeling like i'm behind with schoolwork, and stressing about this obligation i'm putting on myself to communicate regularly with people back home.

i should explain - people back home are not demanding that i speak with them daily, and i genuinely want to talk to them anyway. in fact, not talking to them a lot also causes anxiety. but i've created this mandatory task in my brain that's stressing me out, and also severely affecting my ability to get work done, simply because of the time difference and the way that reasonable hours for communication on both ends happen to fall (i.e. during my evening hours, when i also need to be doing homework, prepping food, and getting ready for the next full day of classes).

school is amazing. it's challenging, and inspiring, and frustrating, and fascinating, and worthwhile, every single day. i'm literally learning something new every day.

i'm struggling to find a rhythm, however. the things that i love and need in my life to make things easier, both on my anxious brain and on my body, like yoga and knitting and eating healthy, are incredibly difficult to fit into my schedule. i teach yoga monday-thursday to classmates at 8am, which means most days i'm up at 6, at campus by 7:45, and there until at least 5 (usually later than that). then i have about 45 minutes in transit to get home, followed by needing to make food, get back in touch with partners and friends, shower to save time in the mornings, and also somehow get ready for the following day. friday is a bit of a break, starting at 10 and also usually ending at 5. weekends involve getting groceries, and shopping still for household items that i don't have time to get during the week, and trying to catch up on homework and reading, and also relaxing. sundays are my rest day, and involve being out of the house for 6 hours, grabbing two yoga classes and reading in between. that's my "me" time.

i miss having time to knit, and read what i want to, and watch random tv and movies to let my brain untangle, and cook complete meals instead of oatmeal or cold leftovers, and talk to people, and still sleep for a decent amount of time.

i realize that a lot (most) of my anxiety is thanks to my own brain. and i'm genuinely happy about what i'm doing, and living in london, and all the stuff crammed into my crazy schedule. i also realize that easing my anxiety will, for the most part, involve finding that rhythm, and that it is still early days. i don't want people to worry about me, because i'm doing well generally. i'm stressed (which my skin is blatantly pointing out to me), and that stress will change many times every day. but i am spending most of my days with my coping mechanisms, yoga and theatre. so things will be fine. and are fine, in most ways. today is just hard. it's okay though. i'll sleep, and go to school, and learn more things, and take the afternoon that we have off to go with a friend to my favourite cafe in camden and read.

i miss you all, and i think that ache is just a bit sharper this evening. but i'll see you soon.

on an exciting side note, i've started planning my sip (sustained independent project) for next summer. it will involve alice in wonderland, in some way or other. i'll keep you updated.

birdy reviewed

i need to update you all about life in general, and school more specifically (i think i may have an idea for my final project, and possibly a venue for it), but for now, i'm just going to do a quick review of a play that i saw this evening, osborne & what's birdy at jackson's lane.

osborne & what is a new circus company, whose members all have impressive resumes. i really enjoyed the physical theatre and aerial skills, although the acting (especially the accents) left a lot to be desired. my favourite part of the show, when one of the actors did an aerial bike routine, left me with tears on my face from the beauty, and utter confusion as to how it was supposed to fit into the storyline. i also loved the aerial harness routine when birdy tried to fly. the costumes were great, and the music was really lovely at times.

image from osborne & what's tumblr page.

a side note to audience members - please turn off your bloody phones before the show starts. that way, the embarrassing ringtone going off during the quiet, intense moment of the play won't be a concern for you, or the people around you, or the people onstage.

first week see-saw

i haven’t written for the week. sorry about that, folks. time gets away from me sometimes. it’s been a turbulent week, with a lot of stress, a lot of magnificent moments, and finishing with some terrible news.

my weekend started off as very busy and social and has become more of a reflective exercise, for which i think i am better. i found out yesterday that my nanny passed away. it was a surreal moment, crying in the grocery store while also feeling my body slowly gain composure (re: shut down into shock mode so i could still function in a very public space). i’m comforted in knowing that she went quickly, which is something she would have wanted, and that she lived as long as she did. i wish i could be home to offer support to my family, especially to mum, but i’ve been told to stay here.  mum’s excited about my program, so that’s what i’ll focus on in the coming days. theatre has always been my coping mechanism anyway.

i decided to skip a knitting convention, which may not sound like me, but the entry fee of £14, plus the knowledge that i’d spend way too much money once i was inside, kept me from attending. retail therapy is great and all, but you still have to stay within a budget. i also missed a film screening my friend put on at her place, but given that i was in bed yesterday around the time she had scheduled the film, that’s probably a good thing. i got a huge amount of groceries yesterday, including my baking supplies, so i think i’ll bake cupcakes this morning.

this afternoon i’m going to check out indaba yoga studio. i lucked out big time with it – one bus ride away, along the same route that i take to school, with over 70 classes each week, student discounts, plenty of classes that i can comfortably get to after school, and most importantly, acro yoga classes on sunday afternoons. there are a number of days where i’m looking at back-to-back classes. i can’t even explain the warmth and peace i feel looking at my yoga schedule. it eases my anxious brain.

right then, first week of classes. it was a crazy week, in both good and bad ways. i learned a lot about myself as an artist and collaborator within a very short amount of time. our main assignment this week was to come up with a one-minute introduction to ourselves as creative professionals, working within small groups of 5-6, and then all coordinating a performance of everyone’s pieces on thursday afternoon. i should mention that there were about 50 people performing, as we had our class as well as the master’s creative producing. to put it bluntly, it was a shit show. i learned that i definitely need to work with collaborators who i share more in common with than just a single project, and i need people who are more artsy and organic, even within the business side of things. also, i will never work with a group of more than about half a dozen, unless forced to or for a special project. it is far too stressful trying to organize large groups of people without a hierarchical structure in place, and given that i have no desire to work in a hierarchy, it’s better that i work in small, manageable groups.

our friday classes are a separate unit entirely, and i’m quite excited for them. basically, we’re learning the ins and outs of how to run a successful theatre company, from an alumnus of the program who spent a number of years making those basic mistakes that you always make while starting out. she wanted to help future ma-atp students avoid as many of those mistakes as possible. i like her a lot. she’s spunky and no-nonsense, and also ocd in a way that i totally understand and appreciate ha.

oh yeah, i’m officially in the performance practices cluster, which means that i’ll be doing movement classes from 9-1 monday through thursday. i’m stupidly excited to get started. i’m also leading yoga classes in the morning on those days, starting at 8, so i’ll be having some very long days. it’s fabulous though, because it gives me a chance to work on my teaching while starting off my day with yoga, which is always wonderful. and then i can head to indaba after class haha. i’ll be all set to get my training when i head back to halifax. delicious.

photos from a workshop we did with an alumnus of the master’s scenography course, working with body distortions.

oh, i also joined a queer knitting club. it’s once a month in a terribly cute pub, which serves locally-sourced burgers in bags and has this shtick of chips in a bag which you season and shake yourself. 

catch-up london style, #7

i hopped across the pond just over a week ago, and finally have the interwebs at home again. meet the catch-up post, dated for your (my) convenience.

le 8 octobre 2012

today was the first official day of classes, and we did learn a bit more about what we’ll be doing over the coming year. it’s all still a bit muddy though, as we won’t get our first term timetables until we decide which cluster – performance, dramaturgy, or scenography – we want to join, and the explanation of each of those happens on wednesday (coincidentally, the same day that we finally get our internet installed). i almost didn’t make it to school, i was so tired from battling the flu yesterday. the walk to the bus (about 15 minutes) took way more energy than usual, and the crowded bus played havoc with my stomach. i made it early despite that though, and even managed to find the queer section of the library before class started.

we finally met everyone in the course, as well as our main professor, and played some basic intro games before the master’s creative producing came in to join us. our first assignment is to create a 1-minute snapshot of ourselves, presenting it in whatever creative form we choose. i’ll probably do some sort of dance/movement piece, although i’ve not really narrowed anything down yet. we’re working with small groups of people from both classes just to have outside eyes, and everything’s presented on thursday. not much time for that, but it is a one-year master’s program.

we split for lunch and a few of us (the fish and chips crew, actually) headed over to the hampstead theatre because the entire school seems to take lunch at the same time. whomever thought it would be a good idea to put 850 students on lunch simultaneously clearly had some sick sense of humour. after lunch, all the postgrads filed into the main theatre for a welcome session, then we broke into groups to do an activity created by a theatre company that actually resulted from last year’s m-atp group (m-atp being my course, master’s in advanced theatre practice).

things you learn when working with a group of strangers: you will love some people, take a liking to others, ignore some, and want to punch a (hopefully) select few. we had far too many strong personalities for such a time-constrained project, which was to take data we’d collected and present it in a theatrical way. when you have an hour to do everything, you really do have to listen to one other, get sorted quickly, and just run a simple plan. anything too complex is unrealistic and unfair to a degree, and constantly going five steps back in the decision-making process will just make people annoyed. also, recognize when you’re not sharing the air. i’m definitely guilty of this on a lot of occasions, although i try to reign it in, but if you’re totally unaware of when you’re overtaking a group that is still vetoing your idea, maybe you should become a bit more aware. yeesh. anyway, we eventually got things sorted, and the final presentation was good enough.

afterwards, we were treated to free drinks and snacks, which our class quickly commandeered. whoops. we’re resourceful, you could say? then i went with my flatmate and a classmate to waitrose for groceries, got home, put on the wash, and finally cooked myself a proper supper for the first time since getting here. shocking, i know.

things that aren’t necessarily tons of fun to discover:

            -your washer doesn’t spin things very well, leaving you with laundry that is almost, but not quite, wet enough to squeeze out, and in typical uk fashion, you don’t have a tumble dryer

            -the burner gets hot really fast and you can bet that the oil you’re cooking your portobello burger in will spurt up into the air, and potentially onto your arm.

it’s almost 10pm, so i think i’ll read a bit and then head to bed. another full day tomorrow!

oh, also, my friend here introduced me via le facebook to a queer knitwear designer who also runs a knitting club. and i found an acro yoga class that is on sunday afternoons, run out of a proper studio with student discounts, and is on the same bus route that i take to school. yay!

catch-up london style, #6

i hopped across the pond just over a week ago, and finally have the interwebs at home again. meet the catch-up post, dated for your (my) convenience.

le 7 octobre 2012

today was a day of healing, or at least working at healing. my wonderful flatmate fed me loads of echinacea and paracetamol once she got home last night, and despite a fitful sleep, i woke up feeling slightly better than i had going to bed. i continued to sleep on and off into the afternoon, then spent the rest of the day cuddled on the couch reading, staring off into space, eating pudding, refilling my hot water bottle, and at one point having a bath while still reading. i had hoped to finish one of my books (the boring one, which is thankfully slightly less boring now) before class tomorrow, but i don’t think that will happen. it’s 8pm now, i’ve about 100 pages left to go, and to be perfectly honest, i’d rather crash early and get a proper night’s sleep than stay up reading a boring book.

interesting fact #116: we live in a predominantly orthodox jewish neighbourhood (have i mentioned that already?). we also happen to live right next door to one of the local synagogues. apparently, sunday nights mean a lot of very loud chanting. not necessarily a bad thing, but i do know myself well enough to realize that this will be problematic come heavy workload time. not because of the fact that it’s chanting (i quite enjoy chanting myself), but because i’m very ocd about what music/noise i listen to while focusing in on work, and anything that i’m not in complete control of drives me bonkers. i’ll practice meditation ahead of time to prepare for it, considering there’s really nothing to be done about it. it’s not like a community’s religious ceremonies are going to stop while i work on a dissertation. i may be knocking on the neighbours’ door if the baby is still screaming on a daily basis at that point though…

catch-up london style, #5

i hopped across the pond just over a week ago, and finally have the interwebs at home again. meet the catch-up post, dated for your (my) convenience.

le 6 octobre 2012 (evening)

i’m sick now, battling the flu and other infections. my immune system has finally shut down now that i’m basically settled in, so i’m lying in bed with a hot water bottle, an extra sweater, and a mug of herbal tea at my side. this also marks six days in a row that the baby in the adjoining house is screaming its wee head off. seriously, i’m torn between confronting the parents (not fair, i realize, as the baby may have colic) and just never having children of my own. maybe i’ll just adopt a toddler rather than a newborn. i have the wailin’ jennys on in an attempt to drown it out, but it’s unfortunately not working very well. sigh.

so my day began with a bus ride to highgate to meet up with my friend (find her blog here), which it turns out is right across from jackson's lane, where i saw a physical theatre children’s show four years ago. it’s also home to ripping yarns, a used bookshop that specializes in children’s books, and several cute independent shops. meet my new pillow, which was from souvenir, an independent shop for local handmade gifts.

i haven’t named it yet, but it’s quite cosy, and makes my room feel more like a home oddly.

we checked out a photography exhibit on london gay icons at jackson’s lane after a stop into the bank and a brief lunch at a bakery on the high street (i had ginger beer and split a chocolate pear tart with my friend…the last thing that i ate today). then we walked on until we were out of highgate, and caught a bus to brick lane and shoreditch. i was very quickly losing steam, so we stopped in at the high tea market for coffee and tea (the drink, not the meal). by the time we finished there, it was getting quite late, so we headed back to find buses in our respective directions. i was guaranteed at least an hour and a half travel regardless, so i ended up going all the way to finsbury park to catch a bus home. only two buses, which was my concern, but they took ages regardless. finsbury park is not the most fun place to be once it gets dark, especially when you’re presenting female, alone, and not feeling well. normally i’m fine to act confident in dodgy areas, but that goes out the window once i’m sick. eventually i got sorted and found the bus stop home.

i got back to our high street just as boots (the pharmacy – kind of on par with shoppers) closed. luckily there was another chemist across the street, although i suspect it’s more expensive. didn’t matter, as i didn’t have any other choice at that point. i got what i needed, came home, put on the kettle, and called home to cry a bit and ask about what drugs to take for a potential flu. i’m staying in tonight, and sleeping as soon as my flatmate comes home and i can grab some tylenol from her, and will spend tomorrow indoors as well. good excuse to get some reading done, and perhaps an epsom salt bath. 

catch-up london style, #4

i hopped across the pond just over a week ago, and finally have the interwebs at home again. meet the catch-up post, dated for your (my) convenience.

le 6 octobre 2012

i’m a sleepy pup this morning, although i did finally get about nine hours of sleep last night. clearly i need to play more catch-up though. it’s a lazy morning, with both flatmates gone and time to kill before heading to highgate to meet up with a friend. i’m spending it catching up on blog entries and reading for school. i’m reading a terribly boring history book right now, which i hope to have finished by monday.

yesterday was a long day. after returning home about half one in the morning from candy bar (didn’t take me long to go to the infamous queer lady hangout ha), i was up early to run a couple of errands before getting to campus for an international student lecture. it was, thankfully and surprisingly, not nearly as painful as i’d expected. then i went to senate house library with a couple of classmates to get our membership cards. we were starving before we even got there, and took about forty-five minutes to sort out a proper fish and chips shop. they’re not all that common in london, it turns out. don’t get them at a pub. the quality won’t be as good and you’ll pay an arm and a leg. we got directions from some working men at a pub, who directed us down what turned out to be a very lovely route to an old fish and chips shop. you know the one, where you get a huge slab of battered fish and loads of fries wrapped in paper and with a wee wooden fork. it was well worth the hunt – the food was delicious. we ate in a park and realized we’d made a full circle, which was rather convenient for busing back home for me.

by the time i finally got home, it was 5pm and raining, but my flatmate and i were determined to go to ikea. it was an ordeal to get there and back for sure. bloody parking lots and highway crossings. i was also quite low on funds, but budgeting won out in the end and i came home with almost everything on my list for under thirty quid, plus a letter tray for my desk. my ocd will appreciate that once classes get underway. we went to the nearby tesco express to grab supper (mediocre ravioli in my case), then came home to watch “away we go”, which is my favourite movie. it was a nice end to a long day.

***

so a brief rundown of how i ended up at candy bar (which has a reality tv show about its re-opening, for those of you who care…also, the owner is even cuter in real life): we’d decided to go to the camden pub crawl, which was a slightly dubious decision given our experience as the only postgrads at the lgbt event the night before. we skipped the first pub because it was so early, and joined up with everyone at the elephant’s head. nice, but pricey, and no drink deals for the crawl. after about forty minutes there, we were told to move on to the next pub. we all piled out onto the street, and before we knew it, the 18-year-olds had split into two groups and were chanting at each other across the road. we made an executive decision to ditch and head to soho. our friend knew the musician playing at candy bar, amity (she’s quite good, although she thought she knew me…i’ve no idea how), so we managed to get in. the show was in the basement, which is where we stayed for the next three hours. the dj afterwards wasn’t great, but there were some entertaining people dancing. i saw an absurd number of dopplegangers to friends back home. clearly, queers don’t look very different regardless of where you go. i definitely preferred the thirty-somethings to the baby queers – less posturing, more confidence. as usual, i was somewhere between femme and butch, so i think i confused a good number of people. there seems to be a more traditional divide here, although i’m sure i just need to do more hunting for more queers, less gays. brighton is apparently brilliant for that. i think part of it is that, while candy bar isn’t exclusive, it is definitely more geared towards lesbians. i saw more boys than bois, which was interesting.

my flatmate and i decided to head home early, while our other flatmate and her friend stayed behind to dance more. something that we discovered in a very unfortunate way – when you live in an orthodox jewish neighbourhood, and there aren’t any pubs nearby, you can also bet there won’t be any greasy food options at 1am when you’re heading home from a night out. yup. that sucked. we did manage to grab vegetarian sausage pastries from a bakery, but really, who wants a bakery when you’re craving poutine? definitely missing halifax in that regard, as well as others. the homesickness hasn’t been bad, which is nice. i can’t wait to get my phone and internet sorted next week though. i feel disconnected.